Proof that America is Doomed:

The system of checks and balances is clearly failing us today, as the Supreme Court has sided with presidential lunacy rather than protect the very land upon which this country stands.  Just how doomed are we?  Well, let's see, on Monday the damaged consisted of the following two travesties:

1.  The Court did not, I repeat, did not, stop the current administration from bypassing environmental reviews while building a security fence alongside the border between the US and Mexico.  That's right, forget the environment, let's build a wall and keep out those foreigners! They are a danger to our country!!!

2.  In other devastating news, the Court agreed to hear an appeal case that restricted the Navy from using high-power sonar off the coast of Southern California.  It is, apparently, the view of the Bush administration that the tests were essential for national defense and that the needs of the military are more important than the welfare of sea creatures.  So, basically, too bad for dolphins, whales, seals, sea lions, etc....did we mention some of the species that will be affected are endangered?

Celebrity Death Blurb:

• George Carlin dies at 71.  An award-winning comedian who won the hearts and laughter of many with his short quips and telling insight that made people stop and think about the reality of human nature, Carlin died on Sunday, June 22nd of heart failure.  He had had heart issues, included multiple heart attacks in years past.  Still, his last performance was but a week prior to his death.  His stand up comedy made quite the impact, not to mention the arrest and trial that followed his "Seven Words You Can Not Say On Television" piece.  He won the Mark Twain Award for American Humor in 2008.

Gay marriage has been legalized in California, much to the delight of many same sex couples, some of whom were married back in February of 2004, only to have the ceremonies nullified after the fact.  The ruling came into effect on May 15th at 5:01pm.  The first same sex couple to receive a marriage license were lesbian activists Del Martin (87) and Phyllis Lyon (84).  Mayor of San Francisco GavinNewsom presided over their wedding ceremony.  You can expect that the courts will be very busy for some time to come with the sudden influx of marriage licenses that will be sought.

Gay marriage has another benefit that affects everyone: it provides a boost to California's flagging economy.  CNN predicts that the gay marriage industry will be worth about $684 million over the next three years.  Beyond all the locals who are flocking to to the courthouse, California, unlike Massachusetts, does not have a residency requirement so the tourist industry is booming.  The California Travel and Tourism Commission has posted ads on their website for gay wedding packages.

With the wedding and honeymoon business booming, even Governor Arnold Swarzenegger, who twice vetoed the bill, can see the economic gain that will come of this.  Graciously, he supports the court's decision, saying, "I hope that California's economy is booming because everyone is going to come here and get married."  For many small businesses, such as Rena Puebla's wedding-cake figuring business, sales have tripled.  Her bride-bride (with suits or dresses available for the ladies) and groom-groom combinations are the hit of the day.  Wedding venues, florists and bakers alike have been delighted at the increase in business.

In effect, it's a good thing for everyone:  gay marriage can now happen on a social, legal level (religious institutions will continue to do whatever they want) which makes many people very, very happy, and a large state's economy is getting a much needed boost.  As we Monkeys so often say, what's not to like?

Philip Markoff, the man dubbed the "Craigslist Killer" has been all over the news of late. He allegedly murdered one New York masseuse after having answered her "erotic services" ad on Craigsist, and he's suspected of robbing and threatening at least two more women. Authorities have begun posting ads in the major cities near Markoff encouraging any victims to come forward if they had any kind of encounter with Markoff. When I first saw the photos of Markoff, I was struck by how handsome he was, the kind of All-American kind of guy you'd expect to be on the track he was-- the son of a Syracuse dentist, he was pursuing his own medical career at Boston University's law school and was engaged to Megan McAlister, a fellow medical student. It's enough to make any person wonder what went wrong with someone who seemed like he had everything going for him, but it also brings up what I feel is an important social issue... if with the internet in general and Craigslist in particular if we've created an environment that makes it easier for predators like Markoff. But at the same time, I've used Craigslist countless times to buy and sell items. I got both my jobs since college through Craiglist, in addition to my apartment, my couch, my dresser, and even a few friends and dates that turned into friendships via the personals ad.

It makes me think of a book I read as a child from the Berenstein Bears series called The Berenstein Bears Learn About Strangers. It was all about how "one bad apple can spoil the bunch." It's sad that Craigslist as a community is coming under fire for a few bad experiences. Do millions log onto the site everyday and find exactly what they were looking for? Yes. Should precautions be taken before meeting anyone for the first time? Absolutely. You should never meet anyone for the first time in a private location but instead should be out in public for at least two dates. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that people hurt people everyday, and it doesn't matter whether they met on Craigslist or not.

           

As everyone now knows between the media coverage and the forwarded text message jokes now flying around, pop legend Michael Jackson died at the age of 50 on Thursday, June 25^th.  The entertainer was taken from his Los Angeles home to the UCLA Medical Center where a team of physicians attempted to resuscitate him for over an hour. Jackson was proclaimed dead at 2:26 PM of cardiac arrest. LA Police officials opened a brief investigation of the entertainer’s untimely death and stressed that there was no reason to suspect criminal activity behind the King of Pop’s demise.

           

The autopsy results indicate that Michael Jackson’s cardiac arrest was likely the result of the entertainer’s drug use. Close friends and family had suspected that he had an ongoing problem with painkillers since 2005; medical doctor and spiritual teacher Deepak Chopra indicated that he had been concerned with Jackson’s drug use in 2005, and had renewed concerned in the past six months. The autopsy did not indicate any trauma or foul play.

           

These results, however, are not enough for the Jackson family. A family member told Jesse Jackson that they wanted another independent autopsy to determine the cause of Jackson’s death. Many of them feel confused and concerned about the lack of information surrounding the people that were with Jackson in his final days. They are specifically interested in the role that AEG, the concert promoter staging Jackson’s upcoming tour was playing in his life. There is also an interest in Jackson’s representatives and advisers, who they believe were put in place by AEG; of particular interest is financially troubled cardiologist Dr. Conrad Murray, who was with Jackson when he collapsed on Thursday.  Though the body was released to the family later Friday night, Jesse Jackson did not indicate whether a second autopsy had been arranged.

So there's been an accident. The injured driver calls 9-1-1 and a cop arrives on the scene... but he can't find a car. What he does find is a man on some strange kind of homemade recreational contraption he's never seen before. When he asks the man what's happened, he answers, "I wrecked my barstool." I have to give him credit... the man may have been highly intoxicated and goofy enough to be driving a "vehicle" made out of a bar stool attached to a lawnmower motor, but at least he's honest. The man had been driving 20 MPH when he lost control, and he told the officer he'd had at least 15 beers. He was taken to the hospital and later arrested for operating a "vehicle" under the influence.

Although driving around on a lawnmower motor-powered bar stool may sound low quality and makeshift, I actually did some research and found prefabricated "bar stool racers" for as much as $1800! One site boasted that bar stool racers are the perfect gift: ideal for television commercials, a movie prop, promotional vehicle, convention/trade show centerpiece, game show give-away, or the eccentric millionaire who thinks he has it all!" Some of them go up to 28 MPH and you're guaranteed 4 hours of fun on only one tank of gas!

I remember the last time I got a speeding ticket. After the cop pulled me over, I sat, head against my steering wheel, waiting for the officer to approach and plotting the excuse that might land me out of a ticket. When the officer finally arrived, he asked, "Where do you think you're going in such a hurry? Honest by nature, I couldn't help myself from telling the truth... I told him I was on my way to a friend's house and, of course, got a ticket. I could just imagine if I'd been maxed out on a bar stool instead of my hatchback. "Where are you headed in such a hurry?" He would've asked. And I, naturally, would have to be honest and say, "Well, Officer, ummmm-- the bar!" After all, how many opportunities do you have in life to just cruise up to the bar, have your drinks, and then leave right out again? Of course you'd be in a hurry to show that off to your friends at the bar! It's the lazy drinker's dream come true. Just add a cup holder with pretzels, and I'd be a self-contained unit, the happiest of campers.

Want to know something really awesome?  Of course you do, who wouldn't?  Stirling, Scotland is beginning a campaign to become the first carbon neutral city.  The community-led project, GCNS, which stands for Going Carbon Neutral Stirling has been given £1.25m (that's $2,433,374 in USD).  This funding comes from both the Scottish government and the Big Lottery Fund.  Their clear goal is to reduce the environmental impact that the area has.  Their set goals-  to bring the average annual carbon dioxide levels down from 12 tons (the current average in Scotland) to one ton per person (per year).

The project will encourage people to be more energy efficient in ways such as turning off lights, lowering the settings on their washing machines, and changing their shopping habits to support seasonal, local produce.  On a corporate level, business will also be urged to recycle and use energy saving light bulbs.  In effect, the entire city of Stirling will be making the changes that we all know that we should be making.  Just think- if that's all it really takes to lower our carbon footprint, it really isn't that much of a sacrifice to get started on making positive changes.

Environmentalist Secretary Richard Lochhead referred to the program as the beginning of an "exciting new era."  He has also been quoted as saying "We want Scotland to be part of the global solution to tackling the treat of climate change."  An admirable goal, if I've ever heard one.  He also encouraged those with ideas about how to make a difference both locally and globally to come forward and share them.  Patrick Harvie lauded the effort, saying "When the history of our work to beat climate change and develop a truly sustainable low carbon Scotland is written, this will be seen as a crucial day."

If they succeed, they will be the first carbon neutral city in the UK.  At the beginning of this year, the United Arab Emirates announced their plan to have Masdar City be the first carbon neutral city in the world (in an eight year plan), which while delightful, is only a baby step in remedying the fact that the UAE has one of the worst per capita carbon footprints of any country.  China, Costa Rica, Norway and Libya have also announced plans to create a smaller footprint, all of which is a step towards something truly wonderful: humanity taking responsibility for its actions and the repair of our damaged-beyond-reason environment.

Is it just me, or did anyone else nearly run off the freaking road yesterday when they heard Left of Center's Jake Fogelnest announce that Rachael Ray was throwing a party at SXSW? Do what now? I thought Rachael Ray was the cheesiest, nuttiest, most annoying celebrity chef and TV personality in existence, not an indie rocker!

Now I've heard everything. Turns out Ray and her husband are avid listeners of Sirius' Left of Center and, get this, when asked if she likes indie music, Ray answered with her usual over the top enthusiasm, "Fuck yeah!"

Turns out, Ray is throwing a party at the Austin, TX festival called "FEEDBACK showcase," in which tasty treats will merge with even tastier sounds...YUM-O! Performances by Autovaughn, The Ravonettes, The Cringe, Scissors For Lefty, The Stills, and Holy *&%$ will create the ambiance while Ray cooks up the vittles. (I know one thing, whenever I finally make it to SXSW, if anyone from the Food Network has a tent, I pray to the gods that it's Anthony Bourdain.)

Okay, so after 24 hours of processing this shocking news, I'm gradually coming to terms with it. But damn it, I may never get over the deeply disturbing fact that Rachael Ray loves the cyborg cartoon rockers Battles, and claims they are a staple on her iPod. Someone fetch me the smelling salts!

Thanks to the Forbes Misery Measure, we now have an updated list of America's most downtrodden cities. The Misery Measure indexes America's 150 largest metropolitan cities based on the following criteria: unemployment, personal tax rates, commute times, weather, crime and the prevalence of toxic waste dumps.

If you're considering relocating to one of these places, you may wish to stock up on happy pills first. Oh yeah, and get a fuel efficient vehicle, a can of mace, a lot of money and a bio-hazard mask. We're just sayin'...

Here are the top 10 most miserable cities and why:

1. Detroit, MI - unemployment and plight due to auto industry downturn
2. Stockton, CA - high foreclosure rates, commute times, taxes
3. Flint, MI - unemployment and plight due to auto industry downturn (Detroit's sister city)
4. New York, NY - longest commute times, highest tax rates
5. Philadelphia, PA - commute times, taxes, superfund sites
6. Chicago, Il - long commutes, violent crime, bitter cold weather
7. Los Angeles, CA - commute times, superfund sites, taxes
8. Modesto, CA - commute times, taxes, unemployment
9. Charlotte, NC - violent crime, unemployment
10. Providence, RI - high tax rates

The conservative Muslim kingdom of Saudi Arabia has once again clamped down on retailers who stock their shelves with Valentine's Day gifts. More specifically, The Saudi Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice has asked store owners to remove all items that come in the passionate shade of red until after February 14. Generally speaking, this includes red roses, gift boxes, wrapping paper, and teddy bears.

According to Sheikh Khaled Al-Dossari, a scholar in Islamic studies, Muslims "shouldn't celebrate a non-Muslim celebration, especially this one that encourages immoral relations between unmarried men and women." The ever-righteous virtue and vice patrol has been credited with segregating the sexes, enforcing dress codes, and raiding shops to seize symbols of love on the eve of previous Valentine's Days.

This example of the institutionalization of intolerance no doubt stems from the kingdom's view of female subjugation, as the Sheikh mentioned above. In other words, we wouldn't want to encourage wanton behavior as a result of the expression of love.

Saudi Arabia has received a great deal of criticism for its harsh treatment of women. Women have been subject to numerous restrictions under Saudi law, including requirements that they must obtain permission from a man in order to have surgery or travel. In 2006, a 19-year-old Saudi woman was raped by seven men who found her alone with a man who wasn't related to her. The government then sentenced the woman to 200 lashes and six months imprisonment for being in the company of a man who wasn't her husband or relative.

Ladies, when you're wearing your red this Thursday, I ask that you wear it in honor of women everywhere who have no freedom of expression, especially when it comes to love. James Brown, your classic lyrics still ring true: "It's a man's world...but it would be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl..."

Despite the presence of many of Hollywood's finest, this year's Sundance Film Festival has proven to be relatively uninspiring, to say the least. Film distributors, studio executives and other such gurus held out in earnest for "Little Miss Sunshine" and "Juno"-esque gems, only to be met with yawn-provoking unforgettables like Morgan Spurlock's "Where in the World is Osama bin Laden?"

The word on the street in Park City this year was that distributors would be looking to snatch up as much supply as possible in light of the writer's strike. With only a few days left, the shopping spree has yet to go down, aside from Focus Feature's $10 million dollar purchase of "Hamlet 2." Other deals that have been announced have been significantly smaller in scale. Yes, I do believe the recession is affecting all of us. Either that, or there's just crap for movies at this year's premiere independent film festival.

Regardless of such failures (based on reviews) as "Henry Poole is Here," "Incendiary," and "What Just Happened?" among others, there are a few theater-near-you hopefuls that have come out of Sundance this year. Again, based on reviews, the promising ones include: "Ballast," "Sugar," "Bigger, Stronger, Faster," "Savage Grace," and "Megane (Glasses)."

If these don't tickle your fancy once you have a chance to see them, at least you can sleep at night knowing that some good celebrity gossip came out of Sundance 2008, ie., Paris Hilton making out with Jared Leto. Now that's hot!

The police force of Klaipeda (you know, that city in Lithuania) was quite shocked to discover that a young woman they arrested for shoplifting had been declared dead some weeks earlier.  As it turns out, her parents made a small mistake in identifying the body as this particular zombie was actually alive and well and living with her boyfriend.  Now, about that dead body....

Science is so very slow.  One of the most commonly known facts among most people has finally been researched and the results are in.  To quote a senior lecturer at the University of Sheffield: "We found that clowns are universally disliked by children. Some found them quite frightening and unknowable."  Well DUH. Like I needed researchers to figure that one out.

This just in:  it is not illegal (in Italy, anyway) to record you and lover getting it on without their knowledge.  This comes via a recent appeal- the man was previously convicted and given a four month sentence.  He was acquitted this time on the basis that he had not distributed the tape to others.  As if there were any doubt- the woman is now in possession of said tapes.

Hungarian scientists are developing computer software that would help people better interpret their dog's emotions (via their barking).  Currently, it's only doing 3% better than human perception, but they are certain that the software can be improved.

Oh, you know we couldn't resist this one. Time Magazine, in partnership with CNN, recently published an article about one of our favorite members of the animal kingdom: the monkey. Here's the skinny--in a recent study of macaque monkeys in Indonesia, researchers discovered that the males, in essence, "pay" for sexual access to the females. As economics goes, even in prostitution, such access is cheapened as the number of females increases.

The study resulted in a paper which was published in December's issue of Animal Behavior. Aptly entitled "Payment for Sex in the Macaque Mating Market," the paper goes on to claim that in a group of 50 long-tailed macaques, the males provided grooming serves in exchange for sex. After studying the animals for roughly two years, the researchers determined that the males offered their grooming services up front, as a kind of ritual prior to sex.

Apparently, the females love being groomed (as most females do) so much that after receiving such services, their sexual activity more than doubled from an average of 1.5 times to 3.5 times per hour. Yowsa! The study also indicated that the more females available, the less time the males spent grooming them. In other words, if a male's chances of getting lucky were pretty good, he was less likely to spend a lengthy amount of time picking fleas and such off the female.

The premise of this little system of exchange is called biological market theory, a sort of animal kingdom parallel to supply and demand. If anything, it makes for cooperation and compromise, two things that allow for successful mating almost every time. Sound familiar? Even so, the paper draws no conclusions about what these behaviors mean for humans. If anything, it could make for some interesting pillow talk.

Today Monkey News is bringing you the very latest in environmental sensitivity. Death ain't what it used to be, friends and neighbors. That's right, now it's ECO-DEATH! The Natural Burial Company, out of Portland, Oregon, will sell a variety of eco-friendly burial products, including biodegradable coffins, beginning in January.

Green funerals make up a recent trend that has popped up in California, Florida, New York, Texas and South Carolina. Though cremation has long been considered environmentally sound, recent concerns about fossil fuels have lead people to question this convention. Those who opt for a more "natural end" can choose from products like the Ecopod, a kayak-shaped coffin made out of recycled newspapers, or even a fair-trade bamboo casket lined with unbleached cotton.

To put it bluntly, it's the ultimate form of composting.

Biodegradable coffins are just a small part of a natural funeral trend which requires no formaldehyde embalming, laminated caskets, chemical lawn treatments or cement vaults. Advocates of the movement argue that these methods have a much lower impact on the environment than the traditional methods.

The Green Burial Council (yes, there is one), is developing certification programs to measure the authenticity of providers like The Natural Burial Company who claim to be all natural purveyors of afterlife accessories.

August 9th, 2007

That's right, bitches.  Those bitches in New York city are attempting to ban the word "bitch" from use.  What's that you say?  They want to discontinue it's prominent use in print media, radio, and television?  Don't count on it, they're trying to ban the word from the mouths of the populous.  It may reach a point wherein if some highly anal retentive law-enforcement official hears you utter the bitchtastic word, you'll be given a ticket and forced to pay a fine. 

What's that you say?  Oh, yes, I had thought of that as well.  That oh-so-hard-fought-for amendment guaranteeing us freedom of speech according to the United States Constitution.  Apparently that just isn't sitting well with 21 of the 51 city council members who have signed on to the ban. 

Did you hear that?  That is far too close to half if you ask me.  Read the complete story here.  What's next, we lose ass, cock, shit, and fuck?  Well fuck that, especially fuck banning the word "fuck" which is one of the most flexible and widely appropriate words in the fucking English language.  Isn't it a moral issue as to whether or not we choose to slather our language with obscenity and not, in fact, a legal one?  To say nothing of the absurd notion that this movement was born out of the very city wherein the word is probably used more than any other single location.

I hope that all who read this will join with me in defending our constitutional right to liberally sprinkle our linguistics with colorful obscenities, by proudly walking into the streets and declaring "hey, bitch!" to your best friend and "yo, fucker!" to your friendly neighbor. 

August 6, 2007

No, not a law against fucking, although I would not put it past the Bush administration to put a ban on sex standing up or some such nonsense.  No no, this law expands even further the government's authority to listen in on international phone calls (and email messages) of American citizens.  Without warrants.

The law was signed Sunday the 5th of August.  Hope you weren't having terrorist-fantasy phone sex with your Austrian lover.  If so, it may have been a threesome. 

Congressional aides and co. have stated that this new law provides legal guidelines for the surveillance that the National Security Agency was employing secretly.  Without warrants.  So basically the new law makes legal what was already being carried out in the first place.  Apparently someone hasn't been sleeping so well at night. 

The only restriction placed upon the eavesdropping is that the "target person" the United States government is looking to espy on must be in the country that the private American citizen is calling.  For example, if you want to call your Aunt Mildred in Calcutta and the US is looking for someone in Calcutta, you're open for business.

White House spokesman Tony Fratto assures us that the new law is for more accurate precautionary measures to be taken against foreign suspects overseas, not to spy on Americans.

Who feels better?

Read the Times article here.

Here's a mouthful: controversial conservative commentator. What's worse than a cumbersome title? The meaning the title implies, of course. This alliterative description speaks to none other than Ann Coulter, conservative in every sense of the word and yes, a demigoddess of scandal and controversy. Add in the commentator part and here's a little taste of what you get:

To a disabled Vietnam vet: "People like you caused us to lose that war."---MSNBC

"Clinton is in love with the erect penis."---This Evening with Judith Regan, Fox News Channel 2/6/00

"God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'"---Hannity & Colmes, 6/20/01

"We need to execute people like John Walker [Lyndh] in order to physically intimidate liberals."---from a 2002 speech

All of this coming from a woman who purports to having attended approximately 67 Grateful Dead shows! For shame! In the days beyond her free-spirited deadheadedness, Ann Coulter has written essays and speeches on topics like "The Failures of Feminism," "Jihad is Fun! Vote Democrat!", "The Democratic Party: A Vast Sleeper Cell," and  "Studies Show: Felons Smarter Than Liberals." Coulter has also authored five best-selling books with one on the way. Her forthcoming book, If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans, will hit shelves in October.

If you didn't know, Ann Coulter is infamous for her militant anti-liberal views on everything from attacking 9/11 widows to preemptively bombing the hell out of other countries, particularly Muslim ones. Liberals absolutely loathe her and conservatives adore her. She has often been referred to as the "Republican Michael Moore," which is perplexing to me because Coulter is equipped with a filthy, hateful mouth and Michael Moore is not.  Furthermore, Michael Moore is a proponent for peace, the environment and universal healthcare while Ann Coulter daydreams of a jolly round of bombing North Korea as a warning to the rest of the world: Do not fuck with the U.S.!

Coulter's most recent scandal involved her referring to democratic presidential candidate John Edwards as a "faggot" during a speech she gave at the 2007 Conservative Political Action Conference.  It goes a little something like this: "I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, but it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot,' so I'm - so, kind of at an impasse, can't really talk about Edwards, so I think I'll just conclude here and take your questions." Her slur alluded to Isaiah Washington's recent use of the word and his subsequent counseling. Click here to watch the video. You know you want to.

I mean really, what a bitch! Bashing a fellow North Carolinian like that...and besides, name-calling is for kids. Where's your dignity? Ah, yes. I forgot she was from Connecticut. Well, it seems that with or without her dignity, Coulter is laughing all the way to the bank. Though Verizon, Sallie Mae, and Netbank have pulled their ads from her website and eight newspapers have dropped her column, she boasts that the press' attempt to silence her has actually made her more money; she's been asked to give more and more speeches since the incident.

There seems to be no stopping this Machiavellian nightmare of woman, especially by sweet little Elizabeth Edwards, who attempted to confront her on MSNBC's Hardball with Chris Matthews. Edwards denounced Coulter for the personal attacks against her husband and for writing that the Edwardses had a bumper sticker on their car stating "Ask me about my dead son," in reference to their dead son Wade. Coulter responded by saying that no attempts to silence her will make her desist from further personal attacks. Whoa!! Such relentlessness I haven't seen the likes of since O.J.'s slow-speed car chase. Easy, cougar!

Far from fair and balanced, Coulter's right-wing flamethrower tactics are so extreme, many of us wonder whether she's for real or just having herself a good time. A fascinating public figure...at least she gives us something interesting to gab about besides bloody Lindsay Lohan. Even though I think Ann Coulter is completely neurotic and most likely a daughter, or at the very least, a niece, of Satan, I still have a few ounces of respect for an old deadhead who isn't the slightest bit scared to speak her certifiably insane mind.

"I don't really care what people say about me – I'm a Christian so there's nothing anyone can ever do to me – but I kept thinking: “Boy, would I like to go to a Dead show and dance with happy, friendly deadheads for just one night!” --Ann Coulter